I was at my lecture at Oxford. Professor Albert Pessistein was leading the lecture, teaching us new equations. I asked where I can find a drink, due to my dying of thirst. He said, “big games my friend.”
He then proceeded to teach us, “The greater the Big games, the higher the Bottling!”
Girl Dad where are you Dad I went to go get. Milk Girl but we have milk Dad I know I just don't love you
There are three people on the steps of Heaven. God tells them all he is having a good day and if they make him laugh by telling him how they died he will let them in. The first one said I just finished a long day of work and I get home and right as I stepped in I knew my wife was cheating on me. I searched everywhere and I couldn’t find anybody so I got a drink and went to the balcony and then I saw him, hanging off the ledge of the balcony. I kicked his hands but he wouldn’t fall so I threw a Refrigerator at him and I fell with the Refrigerator. God busted out laughing and let him in. The next person walked up and God told him the same thing he told the other person. God told him that he didn’t think that he could make him laugh more than the first person. The second guy said, so get this I’m a window washer on the 8th floor I’m washing the windows like normal and this enraged psychopath walks up and starts kicking my hands and then he throws a refrigerator at me and I die. God bursts out laughing so much to where he falls off his chair and he lets the guy through. The next guy comes up and God tells him the same thing he told the last two people and he tells him that there is no way that he can make him laugh more than the other two did. So he starts talking. So get this I’m in a refrigerator...
Why is the U.S. so mad about the Twin Towers? It was an accident. The pilots were new.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
Where does hitler look first when he loses something? The attic
On my 21st Birthday, my mom told me, "I got a nice birthday present for you. As the son and only child, you're going to get something good, something you've been looking forward to," is what my mom said.
Me, my mom, and my only friend celebrated my Birthday, then we all went to sleep. I woke up the next day. I asked, "Hey, where's my gift you said you got me?" My mom said, "Since your father left us, you have no father figure in your life, so this is your new stepfather." The only thing is, it was my only friend.
Dmitri! Wheres my v o d k a?
One day at school little Jhonny was not listening so the teacher came up to him teacher: at the end of this ruler is someone dumb ,little Jhonny: miss which end where you referring to?
It was Christmas time for Little Johnny. He was going to make some cookies and milk for Santa until he heard shaking and moaning from his mother's bedroom.
He thinks, "Meh, Dad's probably back from the grocery store."
But 2 seconds later, he heard a "Ho Ho Ho Oh YEAH!" and then a slap. He opens the door. He finds Santa riding on his 19-year-old mom. He asks, "Santa, when did you get here and WHAT are you doing?"
Santa replied, "Your mother asked for her 'milk jar' to be filled, and that's what I am doing."
Johnny says, "Oh. But, Mom, you told me Dad was here, well where is he?"
(Santa winks at you)
I took the trash to the recycling bin, and two days later, my mom asked me, "Where's your sister?" I said, "In the recycling line to be turned into a bottle."
Why don't orphans play baseball?
Because they don't know where home is.
Do you know what Fortnite was like before season 2 chapter 3? They put the Foundation / The Rock in the water where aliens were that season.
Hi I’m Dan’s dad where is he
Why did the orphan cross the road?
His parents were on the other side!
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty was an egg?
Good Evening Twitter, this is your boy EatDatPussy445, and about like 30-45 minutes ago, I beat the f*** out of my dick so god damn hard that I can't even feel my left leg, my left leg has went totally numb. And, my dick has also went totally numb, to the point where it feels f***ing weird when I go and take a piss.
A man saw a kid on the road, and the man asked: "Where are your parents?" The boy: "..." The man left the adoption center.
Signs my cousin is going places when he's older:
TEST QUESTION: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
He wrote: "At the bottom of the page."
Smart kid!
