When jokes
If babies stay in their mothers for 9 months, are they not 9 months old when they are born?
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Guy: "What's the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: "Good news?"
Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."
Fishing is like sex: when it is great, it is great; when it is not so great, it is still great!
When my dog barks, he gets ruff.
When my dog starts to bark, he starts to get ruff.
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One smashes open when you hit it with a sledgehammer, and the other is a watermelon.
I saw an ISIS video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
Where do you go when food dies?
A fooderal.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a Mexican?
I don't know, but man can it pick lettuce.
What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler? Just the Rottweiler.
You're the bunny, and I'm the Rottweiler.
Where do you go when Steve Hawkins dies?
Microsoft.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?
I care when my computer crashes.
Yo mama so hairy, you got carpet burn when you were born.
Cats are like onions; when I cut them, I cry.
Yo mama so blind that when she played Fortnite, she got her vision back, got 'em!
What's hot and hard?
Me when I look at children.
What did the Pokemon lover say when he got to the shoe store?
I have to Pikashoe.
What happened when a hammer punished the nail?
He hit him.