Whats Jokes

If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me....

What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?

An erection!

What is the best thing about a gipsy on her period?

When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.

What happens if you mix a dick with a potato?

You get a dictator dic-dick-tator-potato!

what do you call a retard smoking weed?

a baked potato.

What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?

I give a fuck if my computer crashes.

What do you call a grey, fat, and very old unicorn?

A rhino.

What is the cheapest kind of meat?

Deer balls, two for under a buck!

Johnny: Mommy, Mommy! What is incest?

Mom: Shut up and keep licking.

What’s the hardest part of the vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.

What did the skeleton say to Shrek?

"Jump on me. I can have two layers of skin too."

Q: What's the difference between a folk singer and a 14" pizza?

A: The pizza can support a family of four.

What is the difference between McDonald's and 9/11?

McDonald's has a drive-through. Twin Towers has a fly-through.

What does a nosey paper do?

It gets "Jalapeño" your face!

What makes a bird fly?

Bird food!

What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.

What do you call a goat?

A goat.

I asked this disabled kid what his favorite TV show is. He looked at me blankly and said "My favorite TV show is Vegetales."

This disabled kid walked up to me, so I asked what disease he had. He said, "Lima." So I said, "Come again?" And he said, "Lima nuts." And I asked if that was a fruit, and he said, "No, I'm a vegetable."