A hitman walks into a bar and tells the bartender I m here to assassinate John Tucker. The bartender replies he’s in the restroom. The hit man goes inside the restroom and comes out after 1 hour. The bartender asks him did u kill him? The hitman replies with a sad face “I asked him any last wishes and the guy asked me to allow him to finish his shit as he is half way in passing his stools so I gave him my word that I would wait and so I waited for an hour and when I asked him what’s taking him so long he says he will not be able to finish because he is just getting started”.
IF a person walks off a hundred foot cliff and half way down screams why did I do that. Then a second person walks off the same one hundred foot cliff and screams the same verse "why did I do that," then another person walks off the cliff and screams the same line" why did I do that" and the next person the same thing. What do you call that? (Stupid People)
So Johnny Depp made an appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards as an astronaut. It really looks like he wants to be the new Elon Musk, whatever career path is most viable for Depp. I got to admit, if launching crystal meth into your nostrils and your anus is as viable as launching rockets to Mars, Johnny Depp would surpass Elon Musk in net worth.
Then again, the money Depp spends on alcohol each month, he could have bought all of Michael Bloomberg's penthouses in Manhattan. Sure sounds like he also shares the same financial advisor as Donald Trump, who thought it was a magnificent idea to launch Trump Airlines and Trump Ice. He already shares the same pro-Kremlin lawyer, by the way.
They call it the Cold War because Russia is cold in 2 ways.
My mom said the only way to cure depression is to do what she does. She's dead.
There are three people on an island. One dies, and the second guy goes to burry them. He comes back with deer meat. The first guy eats it, but second guy refuses the meal.
When the men return to the mainland, they part ways. The first man goes to eat the deer again at a local restaurant. He takes one bite, then jumps off a bridge.
In heaven, an angel asks him why.
“Well you see,” he answered, “that man was a tribal cannibal. Delicious in my wife’s meat though.”
Once, I ate a skunk. It was hard because I didn't get it down the whole way.
Q If a electric train heads south what way does the steam go A no steam
I was on a plane and My mom said it just a little turbulence And I said Mom we just got on run way
Why can’t orphans play baseball? Because they can’t find their way home
Why do orphans play tennis?
Its the only way they get love
Which way do gay men walk?
One direction
Wants one way to get a free haircut
Call the cancer hotline
What did nemo say to the emo.
Be careful you cant nemo your way out of emo
Your dad went on America's Got Talent for "smoothest way to leave their child."
I wish everyone spoke to eachother the way god did
What does a frozen loading screen and a make a wish kid have in common?
They both couldn't make it all the way
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
Some people think emo jokes are funny but I think it can cut both ways.
What are four ways a condom is like a republican elephant? 1. It stands for inflation. 2. It limits production. 3. It encourages cooperation. 4. It gives you a feeling of security even though you know you're being screwed.
