A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him: Wife: why is your face all bloody? Husband: I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up so I kept falling on my face! Wife: idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!
A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl a chili.
The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.
After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"
The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."
So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.
About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.
He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.
The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."
When you’re walking through the garden section at Walmart and you hear your grandpa screaming “They’re in the fucking trees!”
His name rhymes with walking and talking but he can’t do either
(Titanic walks into a bar) (britannic) what would you like to drink (Titanic) a ICEBERG.
joe mama so fat she could not walk the stairs of heaven.
credits: to my freind
Doctor: You need new glasses.
Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.
A man walks into his house, only to find out somebody stole all of his lamps. He was absolutely delighted.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says, ̈Sorry, we don't serve food here."
Me at the Oscars when i see Jada Pinkett Smith, me, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I Jada 2, can't wait to see it"
So will smith is laughing and then suddenly, Suddenly Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face
Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigcka Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers"
I was walking down main street when I saw a child.
I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get a my balls back from the vet."
He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?
"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, expeciy when your a furry."
its only ok to beat up an dwarf when they walk up to your wife and say your hair smells nice
When i was a child i was made to walk the plank.... We couldnt afford a dog
a man walks into a bar, and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. when he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" the man decided not to take the risk. he thought the steaks where too high.
I was walking in the forrest with my gf I had a desert eagle for protection A bear jumped out of the bushes one shot was enough to put my gf down and it gave me enough time to run away
An SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"
yo mama's so skinny that when she walks out side she floats to heaven
little johnny got detention because when he was walking to lunch he saw a bowl of apples and there was a note on it and it said take 1 god is watching. He continues walking and sees a bowl of cookies that said take 1 please so little johnny made his own note and he wrote take as many cookies as you want god is watching the apples
why can't orphans walk through door because they don't have a house to walk into
A kid in a wheelchair got hurt yesterday. I got detention yesterday because I told him to walk it off
