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This city slicker broke down on a country road. He looked around, and in the distance, he spotted a farm house. When he finally got there, he asked the farmer if he had a phone he could use because his had no reception.
The farmer told him he could use it if he married his daughter. The guy said he really didn’t wanna get married, and the farmer said, "If you marry my daughter, I’ll give you half my farm..." The guy said, "Lemme see her..." The farmer hollered, “Hey you, get over here...” and she said, “Duh, ok.” The ol' boy looked at her and said, "Nooo thank you."
The father said, “I’ll give you all my farm and my bank account if you’ll marry my daughter....” The ol' boy thought for a minute and said, “Well I guess I can put a sack over her head.” So they married and the farmer kept his word and gave him everything.
One day the guy was up fixin' the roof and hollered, “Hey you, get me some nails...” His wife said, “Duh, nails, nails?” He said, “Yes, nails,” and showed her one. She said, “Oh, duh, nails, nails.” He said, “Yes, nails.” So she got him some. He was hammering away when he hit his thumb, and he yells, “Oh F*** it!” and she turned and hollered, “Duh, a sack, a sack, duh, a sack!”
Why couldn't the orphan use the swing? Because they had no arms.
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
What did Columbus use to cross the ocean?
He used a bus.
Tried to kill myself today using a bungee cord, I kept ALMOST dying.
Why do orphans use iPhone X's?
Because they can't find home.
You better get used to having dry cereal cuz your dad ain't never bringing the milk back.
Q: What's the similarity between a dog and a bed?
A: I can jump on my bed. A: And I use a pillow on both of them.
How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using a computer?
There is sperm on the screen.
What do turtles use to communicate?
A shellphone!
Yo mama so fat, NASA used her stomach to jump to Uranus in seconds.
I lent my calculator to a friend. He is using it to this day.
Dear Hearing People,
We, deaf people, ain’t dead. We can use our hands to talk, eat & fist your face to give you some 💡 awareness that we can understand you 💯 meanwhile we laugh at you 🤡 We can even dance via vibration through music.
Do you know the song w lyric like this 👇 *white b.... accent: Ohhh.. MY God BECKY.. L👀k at her butt. IT is SO BIG. *BIG BEAT DROP* I...LIKE...BIG...BUTT...I cannot LIE 👻 I promise we ain’t ghosting around - Brittany Rose.
What do birds use to check their grades?
Air-ies...
I used to get pushed and called lazy in school.
Man, I loved that wheelchair.
How do you trick a Catholic priest into using the glory hole at an adult bookstore? Tell him it is a confessional booth.
Why do doctors use so much lipstick?
Because they love cos-medics!
What shampoo does Stephen Hawkings use?
Head & Shoulders.
Why did the United Nations stop the French government from using the guillotine in public?
Because the French government was using the guillotine on newborn babies for circumcision.