Use jokes

Yo mama's so fat, she used a telephone pole as a tampon.

Husband: Honey, do you want sex?

Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.

Husband: Is that your final answer?

Wife: Mmmmm.

Husband: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: No doubts?

Wife: No.

Husband staring a long time at his wife.

Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.

What kind of vacuum does an abortion center use? A: Dyson.

What type of tape do kidnappers use?

Abduct-Tape.

Me: I know how to use a microwave!

Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!

Setting: Funeral Home

Customer: Yes, I was considering what would be the best option for cheap cremation, but I feel that's silly to ask.

Funeral Director: Oh! We do have these nice urns over here at a discounted 75 percent off.

Customer: Okay? What's the catch? That's almost 300 dollars off?

Funeral Director: I assure you these are top-of-the-line urns and will keep your loved ones' remains secure and dry.

Customer: Okay?

Funeral Director: Yep, these have only been used once, so it is absolutely worth the purchase.

By: MiniMemorials.com

What operating system do Indian scammers use?

"Window licker XP."

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture?

A: One uses one nail to hang.

When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.

Yo mama so fat, Trump used her like a wall.

How's your day going?

Shut up, I didn't ask.

Use code tiko#teamfish

This city slicker broke down on a country road. He looked around, and in the distance, he spotted a farm house. When he finally got there, he asked the farmer if he had a phone he could use because his had no reception.

The farmer told him he could use it if he married his daughter. The guy said he really didn’t wanna get married, and the farmer said, "If you marry my daughter, I’ll give you half my farm..." The guy said, "Lemme see her..." The farmer hollered, “Hey you, get over here...” and she said, “Duh, ok.” The ol' boy looked at her and said, "Nooo thank you."

The father said, “I’ll give you all my farm and my bank account if you’ll marry my daughter....” The ol' boy thought for a minute and said, “Well I guess I can put a sack over her head.” So they married and the farmer kept his word and gave him everything.

One day the guy was up fixin' the roof and hollered, “Hey you, get me some nails...” His wife said, “Duh, nails, nails?” He said, “Yes, nails,” and showed her one. She said, “Oh, duh, nails, nails.” He said, “Yes, nails.” So she got him some. He was hammering away when he hit his thumb, and he yells, “Oh F*** it!” and she turned and hollered, “Duh, a sack, a sack, duh, a sack!”

Why couldn't the orphan use the swing? Because they had no arms.

How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.

What did Columbus use to cross the ocean?

He used a bus.

Tried to kill myself today using a bungee cord, I kept ALMOST dying.

Why do orphans use iPhone X's?

Because they can't find home.

You better get used to having dry cereal cuz your dad ain't never bringing the milk back.

Q: What's the similarity between a dog and a bed?

A: I can jump on my bed. A: And I use a pillow on both of them.

How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using a computer?

There is sperm on the screen.