US jokes

My relatives used to tease me at weddings, saying I'd be next. They soon stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals.

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Win a free ride in a police car! Just pick up a knife and use it!

Why is death taken so lightly? It's terrible how people use it! (This is NOT a joke!)

Sometimes I wish I could use my school scissors on my heart.

What’s the difference between 1000 used tires and 1000 used condoms?

One's a good year and one's a great year.

You better get used to having dry cereal cuz your dad ain't never bringing the milk back.

Man: Why can't an orphan use Verizon?

Kid: Why?

Man: 'Cause they have a family plan.

Kid: Oh, then I need to switch phone services then.

Man: Why?

Kid: I'm an orphan.

Man: *laughs out loud* That's tough!

(You can tell the joke shortened by saying, "Why can't an orphan use Verizon? 'Cause they have a family plan.")

My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.

CEO Intrepid entrepreneur born in 1964, Jeffrey, Jeffrey Bezos.

Repeat, come on Jeffrey, you can do it, pave the way, put your back into it, tell us why, show us how, look at where you came from, look at you now.

Zuckerberg and Gates and Musk, they're the anchors, can make and sick it up there with drink their blood, come on Jeff get it! Dododoododododod

I'm not completely useless....

I can be used as a bad example!

There’s a noticeable difference between using polish to remove grease and using Polish to remove Greece.

Why can't the English play chess? Because they lost their queen. And why can't the US play chess? Because they lost their towers.

When can an elephant use an umbrella and not get wet?

When it's not raining.

Why are English people bad at chess? 'Cause they lost their Queen.

Why can't the US play chess? 'Cause they lost their towers.

Your forehead's so big, NASA uses it to test satellite signals.

Bertold Brecht & Tork Poettschke visit the places of their youth together. One says to the other: "Here used to be the Phoenix Lake. Where did he go?" "That was probably a pirate ..."

My teacher made us watch a movie about the struggles of being an overweight person in this day and age.

It was really heavy on me.

My mum is a vegan. She brings us to after school seitan.

You used to be someone’s sunshine, but sorry, the climate changed. 😂😂😂😂