Ups jokes

What do you call an emo kid with light up shoes?

A human chandelier.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

I arrived at work and saw a kid crying. I walked up to the kid and asked, "Hey, where are your parents?" and the kid just cried more. God, I love working at an orphanage.

"Oh, you’re still talking? I thought background noise was supposed to fade out after a while. Must be tough waking up every day knowing your personality was a failed experiment."

Life's full of ups and downs :D <3

Why should you never trust atoms?

Because they make up everything!

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

Why did the suicide bomber get promoted?

Because he was blowing up at work. 💀😈

If you don't like my spelling, Explain Bear, have you realized I'm a duck and you are a bear? I've got more internet power and meme power, so shut the duck up and get a life and stay off my property and the internet.

I "onerie," or however you spell it, I like to replace all romance or similar memes with duck memes. Just comment duck memes there and change Valentine's Day to Duck Day. Also, for the joke:

Why did the duck walk up to the lemonade stand?

Because he wanted grapes.

Why did the African child wake up suddenly? Because he was being sexually abused.

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

My uncle is a horrible ventriloquist. He put his hand up my butt, but he told me NOT to say anything.

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

What does the EPA issue when a person stinks up a room with their smelly farts?

Air quality alert code brown!

There once was a man named Dave who dug up a prostitutes grave, she was as moldy as shit and missing a tit, but think of all the money he saved

How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to light up the room with space lasers so the other can see, and one to screw it in.

I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.

It was a touching story.

Who was the most successful transgender and transracial person in history?

Michael Jackson. He grew up a poor, black boy, and died a rich, white woman.