Twos jokes

A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.

“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

8008135 is my favorite number.

The worst ratio is 6:9.

And last but not least, "Why was six afraid of seven?" Seven eight nine. But why was six with nine? Because when you put them together, you get 69. But why was six mad at nine? Because Nine eight six, too.

Two boys were at a lake, and they went to a bush and saw a naked lady.

One ran away, the other one followed the one who ran and asked why he ran. The boy answered, "My mum told me if I saw a naked lady I would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something get hard."

I don't see why people these days choose their gender. There's only two, it's Nerf or nothing! (I'm just joking, I honestly don't care.)

Can two high-femme lesbians go on a date with each other?

Yes, but it will take them forever to get ready.

I told an orphan to never stop talking until their parents come home.

Now I can’t get it to shut up.

Two friends were walking in a forest. They started to fight.

A cannibal came and shouted, "Food fight!"

What are two plus sides to being an orphan?

1. All your snacks are family sized.

2. No one can make jokes about your mama.

I got a new Lego airplane set from my friend... oddly, there were also two towers included in the box as well.

I can swallow two pieces of string and when they come out the other end, they'll be tied together. I shit you knot.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

Two guys were beating up someone in an alley, so I stepped in to help.

He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.

What part of "Another One Bites the Dust" do you sing to a disabled person to make fun of them? "I'm standing on my own two feet."

Did you know that in 2001 there was an Among Us game, except that it was on a plane and had two imposters.

What do genders and the Twin Towers have in common?

There used to be two, now it’s a sensitive subject.

Two kids were beating up a ginger kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

1+1? Too hard.

A farm full of cows were bombed, and only two survived. All of the udders died.

What do you call two Mexicans playing ping pong? Juan on Juan.