Worst Jokes Ever
What kind of animal makes a good bottle opener?
A male Duck on Viagra.
How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him what period it came from.
How do you get a retard out of a tree?
Wave at them.
A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.
They were given everything they needed to succeed, and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.
The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration. He spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.
The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with, and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.
The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water, and beat the shit out of him every single day.
When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.
The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything. I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."
The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get, and yet he won't speak!"
The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"
The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!"
Me to friend: I'm homeschooled.
Friend: If I was homeschooled, I'd kms.
Me: Oh, I already tried that.
Girls are like blackjack.
I always want 21 but end up hitting on 14.
What bee doesn’t fly properly?
Kobe.
Yo mama so fat I can see where you got in from now.
I went for a job interview today, and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible!"
How do you punish a blind person?
Hand them a gun and tell them it’s a hairdryer.
As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."
Are you angry?
Go bully an orphan!
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
The fourth month (symbolizing 41%) on the first day, transgenders mourn for the trans suicides.
That day is called "April Fool's."
Your hairline is so far back it looks like it's been slapped up by Will Smith.
Me and my girlfriend were walking in the woods.
Her: I am scared!
Me: What do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.
My friend and I were at the mall and decided to try on some necklaces. He said, "I think you should get the one over there." I do. I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it. I asked him, "Did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?"
What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after dumping his first boyfriend?
Your hairline design was used as the Batman logo!
Me walking in to the office:
Principal: Tell me what you did?
Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...