Worst Jokes Ever
Why do Arabs hate chess?
Because the queen is allowed to move freely.
Why do emo kids cost so much?
Because they’re the only people you can scan at the checkout machine.
What’s the only positive thing about Freddie Mercury’s death?
The HIV test results.
Why aren’t Make-A-Wish kids allowed to fly?
Because they rarely make it out of the terminal.
What do you do when you finish a magazine in the hospital?
Reload and keep firing!
What pronouns would Michael Jackson have used as a Gender Identifier?
“He/he.”
What did the blind man say the first time he touched sandpaper?
“What in the world did I just read?”
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
You pull the pin and throw it back!
Who would win in a fight, in a boxing ring? Mike Tyson or Helen Keller with a Tommy gun?
Mike Tyson. Helen Keller never heard the bell.
Why didn’t the emo attend her grandma’s funeral?
She thought her grandma was trying to flex.
What’s the most emo country in the world?
Qatar.
Why was Helen Keller slurring her fingers?
She was drunk.
How do you disrespect an Asian?
Give them driving lessons.
I was walking down the street one day, and I passed the gun store. I walked in, and everything was half off. I didn't know back-to-school sales had started already!
What's the difference between a normal kid and an emo kid?
One has a functioning neck.
NASA called me and they said they reached your hairline.
Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?
Because orange is the new black.
This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work, not aware that her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "That's my dad outside." Man: "How much did you say the baseball was again?" Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." Man: "How much did you say the glove was again?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Do not start that shit again!"
What’s the difference between a feminist and a suicidal vest?
A suicidal vest actually works when triggered.