Throw Jokes

A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.

When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.

"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

What's better than throwing up a stillborn?

Making your wife eat it again.

An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away.

if you throw it hard enough.

How do Asians name their kids?

They throw pots and pans down the stairs. (ching chong dong)

What's the hardest part when making skimmed milk?

Throwing the cow across the lake.

If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me....

What do you get when you put a baby in a box of razor blades and throw it down the stairs?

An erection!

Who do Chinese people name their kids?

Throw the forks and knives down the stairs.

What’s the difference between women and condoms?

There isn’t a difference; they’re both throw aways.

How do Chinese people name their children?

They throw pots and pans down the stairs and listen for the sounds, "Ching Chong Chang."

Why did Arnold throw his clock out of the window?

It reminded him of Richard Clocks, a man convicted for knife raping his wife.

What do Stephen Hawking and the Wicked Witch have in common?

If you throw water over them, they both die...

How can you light up a candle in a ship which does not contain any instrument and you are alone with just a packet of candles?

Answer: Just throw one candle in the sea; the boat will become lighter.

I am throwing a party in space. Can you help me planet?

As he threw the mechanical pencil toward me, I knew that if I didn't move, I would be lead into serious trouble.

An American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a lawyer are sitting on a subway train, in the same seat. The Cuban pulls out a Cuban cigar for each person, and hands it out. The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar, and he throws it out the window. Everybody but the Cuban goes mad. "You just wasted an expensive Cuban cigar! How could you?" The Cuban simply says, "See, in Cuba, cigars are very cheap."

The other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Oh, OK."

The Russian takes out a small bottle of Russian vodka and pours a shot for all the passengers. The Russian downs his shot, and throws the vodka bottle out the window. The rest of the passengers are alarmed, once again. "You just destroyed an expensive bottle of Russian vodka! How could you?" The Russian simply states, "See, in Russia, vodka is very cheap." Yet again, the other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Ah, yes! Of course."

The American scratches his head and goes, "I think I see the pattern here." So he takes the lawyer, and he throws him out the window!

You know the difference between happy tailgaters and angry tailgaters?

Happy tailgaters know how to throw a party.

What's worse than throwing a baby off a cliff?

Catching it with a pitchfork.

How do you kill a little boy?

You throw him between two Catholic priests.