They jokes
Why are Americans so bad at chess? Cause they lost 2 towers.
Me: Have you ever went sky diving?
Friend: No.
Me: Well don't, it sucks.
Friend: Why?
Me: They gave me a parachute and I lived.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
Q: Why do women only use their lefts?
A: Because they don't have any rights.
If Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they would be great ALLOYS!
Why don’t rappers ever get lost?
They always have a SICK FLOW to follow.
People want to be nice to each other because they only have one life, and they want to live it well.
Sucks to be them. I'm a cat.
Luca’s Mom and Dad be throwing the kids into the fountain in the city, but they're sea monsters, so if they went to jail for that, they would be on death row anyway. 🤣
Why can't orphans play baseball?
'Cause they don't know where home is.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they don't know where home is.
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
Because they can't find home.
What do TVs and girls have in common?
They both show you stuff when you turn them on!
31. During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento".
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
32. Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance.
"See that over there? What is that?", says the first crow.
The second crow takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it."
"How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?", replies the first crow.
"Look at its hand. No cellphone", says the second crow.
33. Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.
“I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.
“I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends him back home.
“I’m lonely,” says the third friend. “I sure wish my friends were back here.”
34. A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.
“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”
35. After Sunday church, the priest would hand us each an orange and a big cookie. A little girl once lied and took two oranges, but the priest told her she mustn't lie because God is watching. Then, the girl took two cookies and lied about it. When asked why she had done that, she said because she thought that God was only watching oranges.
36. I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital. I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts. When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, "Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder."
Emos are dark people....
...So why are they all white?
Goths are even darker...
SO WHY ARE THEY WHITER!?
In a game, there are crew members that have to keep the ship running. But little did they know, there was an imposter among them.
Sound familiar? 🤔
Well, in September 11th...
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home.
Why do I go around making orphan jokes? Because they can't go crying to their parents. 😅
I don't usually like to tell 9/11 jokes for two reasons: they're morally wrong, and they tend to crash and burn.
There is one good part about paedophiles... they go slow in school zones.