They jokes
If someone with a lisp dropped a hammer on their foot, would they be Thor?
I called my dog J. They said, "Joné."
Why can't bugs drive... because they don't have a LICE-ens...
BA-DUM CHHH!
Q: Why did the family want to move out while the neighbors were playing tennis?
A: Because they were a racquet!
I like playing with Yoyos, because at least they always come back.
Memes
What happened when the teacher tied all the students' shoe laces together?
They took a class trip.
They say I’m sliced like the apples in a kids meal.
The worst comedians take 9 months to make a joke. Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to forget it.
What's the difference between the milkman and my dad?
Nothing, they are both one thing except he never returns with milk.
(I've been eating cereal with water COMBINATION!)
What do a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both take it in the back and go “whoot whoot.”
Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
Q. What do they call an ISIS terrorist who owns both a camel and a goat?
A. Bisexual.
Dad: Son, do you want to play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?
Son: Sure, let me get it from the closet.
Dad: No, bring your sisters. Just like the game, they can’t move their legs.
Why can't orphans walk through doors?
Because they don't have a house to walk into.
What is the most noise that comes out of a ladies mouth? Nothing because they never have anything important to say.
What does a race track and your hairline have in common? They both go up and down.
What’s the difference between your dad and your hairline?
Nothing, they both ran off.
Jokes are like Indians.
They never die, they just get reincarnated.
How is a priest like a wristwatch?
They both start at 12.
I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.
It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!