They jokes

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

What’s the difference between your dad and your hairline?

Nothing, they both ran off.

Why do lesbians get their belly button pierced?

So they have a place to hang the air freshener.

What's the difference between milk and a cancer patient?

There's none, they both don't age well.

How is a priest like a wristwatch?

They both start at 12.

I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.

It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!

How do rappers stay warm in the winter?

They drop FIRE TRACKS.

Jokes are like Indians.

They never die, they just get reincarnated.

Yo mama so fat, when she went to a dating service, they ended up matching her up with Pittsburgh.

Na, don't be mean to fat people. Oh wait, never mind, they can handle the weight.

What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.

What do gay men and drug dealers have in common?

They both get a lot of crack.

Why are people from New York so bad at chess?

Because they quickly lose two towers (rooks).

The worst comedians take 9 months to make a joke. Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to forget it.

Why do lesbians shop at Sports Authority? Because they don’t like dicks.

Why can't Asians golf?

Because they can't drive.

This dad went out hunting, he killed a deer. He came home and he and his wife decided to have it for dinner but not tell their kids. Instead, they made them guess. The dad said, "It's something that daddy calls mommy." The little girl yells to her brother, "Don't eat it! It's an ass!"

Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"

The terrorists both say, "A beer."

The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"

One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.

I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"

I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"