Thereness jokes

A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.

He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later there's a knock at the door.

He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says, "What was that all about?"

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. “Oh, Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”

I got my daughter a trampoline for her birthday. The ungrateful bitch just sat there in her wheelchair and cried.

What is the difference between a leaf falling from a tree and an emo falling from a tree?

The leaf falls to the ground, the emo just hangs there.

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

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    • There once was a man that wanted to join a group of right-handed men, but he wrote with the other hand. He got left behind.

    Q: Why are Americans so bad at Clash Royale?

    A: Because they lost two of their towers.

    Once there was this kid that wanted to shower with his dad, so his dad said yes. Then he asked, "What is that?" and his dad said it's a chow chow train.

    The next day, he wanted to shower with his mom, so she said yes. He asked again, "What is that?" and she said it was a tunnel with light.

    The same day, he wanted to sleep with them, and they said yes.

    In the middle of the night, he woke up and told his mom to turn on the light because the chow chow train is going in.

    There's a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.

    I try and try every day, but 5 keep coming out. There's so money at this point my walls are built of babies.

    How many beans are there in Irish chili?

    Answer: 239

    Why are there two hundred and thirty-nine?

    Answer: (spoken in Irish Brogues) Because if you add one more, it'd be "two farty."

    Why is the orphan happy when he wakes up from a coma?

    Because there is a family reunion.

    Has anybody else noticed that out of nowhere there are always tons of people online? It's kinda trippy if I'm being honest.

    Two cyclists stop on a bridge. One cyclist says to the other, "Can you see that forest over there?"

    The other says, "No, the trees are in the way."

    Why do cheetahs have spots outside of their bodies?

    Because they don't have them on the inside.