Them jokes
Some people are like a software update. When I see them I think, "Not now."
What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
What's the best thing about 28 year olds?
- There's 20 of them.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He just stares them down and gets the information he wants.
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So, they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
An atom loses an electron... It says, "Man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
The rest of them will write Perl programs.
"Chuck? How many push-ups can you do?" -- "All of them."
How many babies do you need to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
All of these jokes are so dark, I'm surprised cops haven't shot them.
Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replies, "The stork brings them."
Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."
The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."
The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
Why are New Yorkers so good at reading?
Some of them went through 100 stories in 10 seconds.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
"What do we want?"
"HEARING AIDS!"
"When do we want them?"
"HEARING AIDS!"