New Theater Jokes

Hillary Clinton is elected president...

And on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

What do you call a terrorist at a cinema?

A box office bomb.

I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.

Yo mama so fat when she went to the movie theater, she sits next to everyone.

Yo ass so fat that you can't see your toes.

When you go to the movies, you take up seven rows.

Shrek once went to the movies and when he sat down he felt this slimy and sticky feeling on the chair, so he stood up and complained about his chair being dirty... until he realized that he forgot to wipe earlier... so he stopped complaining and went back to his chair and sat back down.

Your forehead is so big, I bet your dreams are in IMAX.

Hii! Oh my gosh. It has been forever! How have you guys been? Comment your favorite movie!!!! <3

Please welcome Mozart's The Magic Flute...

In A minor.

People were deciding how to punish a terrible criminal, and one man came up with a great idea.

He sat him in a movie theater with no food at all and made him watch a 12 hour documentary about the country Hungary.

Why did the actor fall through the floorboards?

They were going through a stage!

What do orphans and olden day actors have in common?

Both get food thrown at them some of the time.

Why didn’t the orphan see the new movie?

It was "Spider-Man: No Way Home."

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

Because every show has a cast. Get it, LOL?

Did you hear about the emo kid who auditioned for the school play?

He made the cut.

This is not really a joke, but it's a question.

If life is a movie, then is death life? Is we seeing the trailer right now?

Who else liked the part in Morbius when he said his catchphrase "IT'S MORBIN' TIME" and MORBED over everyone? In my theater we had a standing ovation!