The jokes

There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.

When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."

The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."

"Shut up."

"No, I need to know your name."

"Shut up."

"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"

"Round the corner picking up shit."

What do Michael Jackson and the Captain from the Spongebob theme song have in common? They both say "are you ready kids?"

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken."

What's the one thing me and the New Year's ball have in common?

It's not gonna be the only thing falling 50 stories this New Year's.

Have you ever tried North Korean food?

Neither have the North Koreans.

What is the second hardest thing in the morning?

Getting up.

A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:

"I have good news and bad news."

The wife said: "What's the good news?"

"We managed to save his arm."

"What's the bad news?"

"We couldn't save the rest of him."

Why do hospitals have fans?

To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.

6:30 is the best time on a clock... hands down.

Why did Beyonce say "to the left to the left"?

Because women don't have rights.

What did one traffic light say to the other?

"Stop looking, I am changing."

Chuck Norris caught all the Pokémon -- from a landline.

What did the lungs say to the cigar?

"You take my breath away..."

What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?

They both light up the room.

You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.

What did Hitler and Usain Bolt have in common?

They both finished the races.

You can laugh at how men are stupid. But remember their favorite thing.

It starts with "M" and ends with "arriage".

If you guessed "Marriage" you're stupid. It's miscarriage and don't forget it. The joke never gets old to him. Just like the baby.

What was Stephen Hawking's favorite childhood song? "The wheels on the chair go round and round....."

Who's the best at musical chairs?

Stephen Hawking.

My suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks.