The jokes
What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?
A kill streak.
What did the lungs say to the cigar?
"You take my breath away..."
What did one traffic light say to the other?
"Stop looking, I am changing."
The emo kid tried to high five the tree.
But the tree left him hanging.
You can laugh at how men are stupid. But remember their favorite thing.
It starts with "M" and ends with "arriage".
If you guessed "Marriage" you're stupid. It's miscarriage and don't forget it. The joke never gets old to him. Just like the baby.
My son asked me what dark humor was, so I told him, "see that kid in the wheelchair, ask him to stand." He said, "But Dad I'm blind." Exactly.
Why do hospitals have fans?
To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.
6:30 is the best time on a clock... hands down.
When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye, but when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people lose their shit?
What is the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting up.
My suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks.
Girl: How much do you love me?
Me: Count the stars in the sky.
Girl: Aww, it's infinite!
Me: No, just a waste of time.
What's the difference between a knife and my life?
A knife has a point.
What is the one thing cripples can't do? ... Stand-up comedy.
Kelly Clarkson and Ian Watkins of the Lostprophets both walk into a bar. The bartender asked, "Hitting on some 2-year-olds today?" It may have been an innocuous question, if it weren't for the fact that the bartender is Chris Hansen.
What is the most popular fish in the ocean? "A starfish."
When I saw a girl sitting on the ground crying, I asked her where her parents were. She cried louder. That’s why I like to volunteer in an orphanage.
Dr. Seuss died September 24, but that was a lie. Dr. Seuss, when he was 97, he stole a plane and the last rhyme he did was “up in the sky so very far he comes, Dr. Seuss allahuakbar.”
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One screams when I peel its skin off.
Have you heard of the... uh Pokemon called uh rhy... rhy... Rhydon deez nuts?