The jokes
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
When you call the Middle Eastern suicide hotline, they ask you if you can fly a plane.
A son walks up to his dad and says, "Dad! I just had sex for the first time."
The dad goes, "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it?"
The son says, "I can't sit right now, my butt is very sore."
If you were on the Titanic and you didn't leave the ship, what would you do? Just let that sink in.
Yo momma is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number."
Memes
Person 1: Goodness, when is Michael Jackson going to stop eating these white chocolate truffles? He is already making a goddamn mess on his bed eating a few of them.
Person 2: Well, he cannot resist the little white balls.
Raaj went up to his mom and said, "I bet you 10 dollars I can disappear." Then he turned off the lights.
Looks like depression got the best of me! Don’t worry, I’m already going under.
I respect cancer more than I respect depression.
At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.
A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl of chili.
The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.
After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"
The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."
So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.
About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.
He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.
The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."
God creating cats.
GOD: Make the most fluffy cute thing you can think of.
ANGEL: Ok.......................................anything else?
GOD: YES, PUT RAZOR BLADES ON ITS FEET!!!!!!!!
What's the difference between drugs and kids?
I don't sell drugs.
What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer, you won’t understand it.)
They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:
Thou shalt not f... altar boys.
I conducted a survey. I asked 100 women what kind of shampoo they used while they were in the shower? 98 of them said, "How the fuck did you get in here?" 😂😂😂
Girl: How much do you love me?
Me: Count the stars in the sky.
Girl: Aww, it's infinite!
Me: No, just a waste of time.
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
Wives are like grenades. Pull the ring, and the house is gone.
The definition of a stalker is two people going on a romantic walk, but only one person knows about it.
Welcome back to the hide and seek world championship! Osama Bin Laden vs. Anne Frank!