The jokes

I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl of chili.

The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.

He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.

The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."

God creating cats.

GOD: Make the most fluffy cute thing you can think of.

ANGEL: Ok.......................................anything else?

GOD: YES, PUT RAZOR BLADES ON ITS FEET!!!!!!!!

My grandfather was there when the Titanic sank. He shouted 3 times that it was gonna sink until they finally kicked him out of the movie theater... haha

What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer, you won’t understand it.)

They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:

Thou shalt not f... altar boys.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

Wives are like grenades. Pull the ring, and the house is gone.

I conducted a survey. I asked 100 women what kind of shampoo they used while they were in the shower? 98 of them said, "How the fuck did you get in here?" 😂😂😂

The definition of a stalker is two people going on a romantic walk, but only one person knows about it.

So I was being robbed, and this guy had the gun to my head, so I told him he was holding it backwards.

Welcome back to the hide and seek world championship! Osama Bin Laden vs. Anne Frank!

Girl: How much do you love me?

Me: Count the stars in the sky.

Girl: Aww, it's infinite!

Me: No, just a waste of time.

When you're the only one nice to the quiet kid.

Kid: "I like you... don't go to school tomorrow."

What did the suicidal leprechaun say?

"Irish I was dead."

Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd get in the van if I were you...

The most confusing day of my life was when I found out my toaster was waterproof.

What’s the difference between a clock and an orphan's dad? The clock comes back around.

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.