The jokes
My grandfather was there when the Titanic sank. He shouted 3 times that it was gonna sink until they finally kicked him out of the movie theater... haha
What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer, you won’t understand it.)
A son walks up to his dad and says, "Dad! I just had sex for the first time."
The dad goes, "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it?"
The son says, "I can't sit right now, my butt is very sore."
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
Wives are like grenades. Pull the ring, and the house is gone.
I conducted a survey. I asked 100 women what kind of shampoo they used while they were in the shower? 98 of them said, "How the fuck did you get in here?" 😂😂😂
The definition of a stalker is two people going on a romantic walk, but only one person knows about it.
So I was being robbed, and this guy had the gun to my head, so I told him he was holding it backwards.
Welcome back to the hide and seek world championship! Osama Bin Laden vs. Anne Frank!
When you're the only one nice to the quiet kid.
Kid: "I like you... don't go to school tomorrow."
What did the suicidal leprechaun say?
"Irish I was dead."
Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Kid: Are you gay?
Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd get in the van if I were you...
The most confusing day of my life was when I found out my toaster was waterproof.
What’s the difference between a clock and an orphan's dad? The clock comes back around.
The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing, and kneeling. I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!
What's the difference between drugs and kids?
I don't sell drugs.
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:
Thou shalt not f... altar boys.