The jokes
A kid and an apple fall from a tree, who will reach the ground first?
The apple, because the kid is hanging on the tree with a rope.
What's the difference between a priest and McDonald's? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.
Why did the football player go to the bank?
To get his quarter back.
What is the difference between a gay person and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn’t start moaning and groaning when you try to put the meat in.
What color would the confetti be at a baby shower in 2025?
Orange because they're having a they/them baby.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Lay on the bed, So I can fuck you.
How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Why is "dark" spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can't see in the dark.
What’s the name of OceanGate’s next submarine?
Judging by the breathing conditions on their subs, I bet they’ll call it the "George Floyd."
Today I went to the doctor for a test, and he said I have 10 months to live.
So later that day I stabbed him to death, and the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved!
I recently saw a pun contest in NYC. The owners said there was a maximum of 10 puns that I could submit. I wrote 10 puns and submitted all of them in hopes that at least one would win--however, no pun in ten did.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the first knock knock joke?
He won the No Bell Prize!
Why didn’t the girl like stairs?
They were always up to something.
I didn't trip and fall... I attacked the floor, and I believe I am winning :3
What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and a lizard?
There is no difference.
What’s the best thing about fucking twenty-eight year olds?
There’s twenty of them!
Two kids were sitting at a restaurant. One said, "Could I please have some water? I am feeling a little HORSE." The other said, "Animal Puns? TOUCAN play at that game."
Why is my dick like a balloon?
The more you blow it, the bigger it gets.
What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.
Why did the little boy cry?
He had a frog nailed to his face and stapled to each of his fins. The frogs were his personal molesters.