The jokes
Two flies were playing football in a saucer. One tells the other, “You’ll need more practice if you want to play in the cup!”
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
"Breathe... Breathe..."
Yo mama is like train tracks; she gets laid all around the country.
Actor 1: "I'm Michael with a b and I hate insects."
Actor 2: "Where's the b?"
Actor 1: "THERE'S A BEE???????????!!!!!!!!!!!????????!!!!!"
Why did the pillow go to court?
Because it had a pillowcase!
Memes
Why did the emo kid get mad?
I wore a “Just Do It” shirt.
Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.
If your eyes were the sea, I would drown in them.
What’s the worst thing about being suicidal?
The school shooter will always spare you.
I love going to church to get closer to God, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis.
Yo mama so fat that when she tried to get on the train, it said, "Weight limit passed, everyone get off!"
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!
Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
Why did the egg hide? It was a little chicken!
When the teacher gives me an F on my exam,
but I have an AK-47 in my backpack.
*Is honestly the best policy.*
The highest level of trust in the world is when two cannibals are each giving each other blowjobs.
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Did you hear about the cat jail break out? It was a cat-tastrophe.
Little Sally comes home from school one day and says to her mom, "Mommy, mommy, you won’t believe it! Little Johnny just pulled out his PP in class." The mother responded, "Well, what did it look like?" Sally said, "It looks like a peanut." The mother said, "Oh, it was small." "No, it was salty," said Sally.
There once was a man named Dave who dug up a prostitutes grave, she was as moldy as shit and missing a tit, but think of all the money he saved
Roses are red, the Jews are a cult.
I've practiced Metzitzah b'peh on adults.