The jokes
What did the right eye say to the left eye?
"Between you and me, something smells!"
How did the tree get sick?
It got tinsel-itis.
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I'll just hang around.
The lunch lady gave me only one carrot. I didn't carrot all.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Get in the van, or I'll kill you.
Memes
Why did the cumulonimbus not show up for work?
Because it was on strike.
Where does a pianist go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
A horse walks into a bar.
The barman says...
"Why the long face?"
What dinosaur loves music?
The velociRAPtor!
Why didn't the drummer play?
Because he got a percussion.
How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?
Because they found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment!
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"
The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."
The eyelash and the lipstick got into a fight. Soon they will make up.
Have you heard about the canoe sale down the road? It was an ordeal.
Some of the best comedians mimic people. I mimic my shadow.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before, what can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Cuz he felt like it mind your f***ing business like damn.
I heard you were looking for a stud. I have the STD, and all I need is U.