The jokes
Why did the cumulonimbus not show up for work?
Because it was on strike.
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?
Because they found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment!
There was an oil spill in the ocean. Now the ocean can't see!
A horse walks into a bar.
The barman says...
"Why the long face?"
Why did the chicken cross the road? Cuz he felt like it mind your f***ing business like damn.
Why was the sheep arrested?
Because he did a "ewe" turn on a motorway.
What did the dirt say to the embers?
You look smoking hot.
How do you get two deaf people from fighting?
Turn off the lights and walk out.
What are the best kind of fruit for twins? Pears 🍐
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it felt crummy.
I heard you were looking for a stud. I have the STD, and all I need is U.
Have you heard about the canoe sale down the road? It was an ordeal.
Where does a pianist go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I'll just hang around.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.
Kid: Licks money.
Mom: Hey, don’t lick the money. It is dirty.
Kid: Is that why they call people filthy rich?
A kid asks his father, "How long is our trip, Dad?"
The kid's father says, "Our trip is a Fortnite."
Why can’t orphans play baseball? Because they can’t find the first base they came from.
What does the bee say to the fly?
"Buzz off!"