The jokes

Your momma's so depressed, she shot herself in the head hoping she'd die.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?

It was on a roll.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his butt.

Why did the family move away?

Because they lost their son.

Why is Stephen Hawking in hell?

He couldn't get his wheelchair up the stairway to heaven.

How does Jesus whistle? Through the hole in his hand.

Little Johnny went to school and right before class started, he pulled down his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." After that, his teacher told him to put on his pants and go to the office. The principal asked him what he did, so he pulled down his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." Then the principal called his mom. The mom got there and took little Johnny home.

They got in the car, and his mother asked, "Johnny, what did you do this time?" So Johnny pulled his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." Once they got home, his dad was off work and heard that Johnny was coming home early from school. Once again he asked Johnny what he did. Johnny pulled down his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." After that, his dad was surprised, so his dad pulled down his pants and said, "Big whale, big whale."

What excuse can you use if you find out your date is a rape victim and you don't want the baggage?

Say you've parked your car in a bad spot and are just going to move it, then move your car all the way back to your home address.

Your mama's so fat, when she went to the movies, she sat next to everyone.

Why did the people in 9/11 not call 911? Because it would call the pilots.

What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a computer? Ctrl+Alt+Delete.

In my locality, there was an orphanage but everybody in the locality was really sexist too, so they had to change the orphanage into a brothel 'cause everybody took the boys away and nobody was taking the girls and the manager didn't want to waste any 14-year-old pussy, did he?

What’s the difference between school and prison? One is painted.

A man is walking into the woods with a young boy.

Boy: “Hey mister, it’s getting dark out and I’m scared.”

Man: “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

What's the difference between me and a bus?

I'm not on fire...

What is the difference between a pile of dead babies and a red Ferrari?

I don't have the Ferrari.

The greatest bond you will ever have is the one with your conjoined twin.

How did Stephen Hawking make it up the stairway to heaven?

Well, he didn’t; they invented an elevator.

Did you hear about the four foot tall psychic who escaped prison?

He's a small medium at large.

What did the chef say to the skeleton?

"Bone appetit!"