The jokes
Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't wanna say this, but I have the flu.
I prank called someone saying, "SON! IT'S ME, SON! I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!" My friend next to me asked who I was calling, and I said, "the orphanage."
The twin towers are just like my mom and dad, they went to work and never came back.
What makes a nuke and divorce the same?
It only takes one of each to end your life.
Your mother is so fat, she broke the stairway to heaven when she died. jaja ur momma dead.
If I smiled one centimeter each time I watched someone I hated die, I'd look like the Cheshire Cat.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
A golfer goes *whack* "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" *whack.*
How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?
You pay the ice cream man to keep on driving. IDK.
Did you know that new Teslas don't come with the new car smell?
They come with an Elon Musk.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
Give a man a match, and he's warm for a few minutes. Set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Joe mama so dumb she studies for the COVID test.
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.
- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.
- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.
- Oh...that might actually be even easier.
Helen Keller is the kind of person to ask you what the time is.
I wish my name was Voyager 2...
So I could have the first encounter with Uranus. :)
I decided that I'll end it all, but when I drove off, I remembered I forgot to do the dishes.
What do the twin towers and genders have in common? They used to be two, but now they're a sensitive subject.
For this orphan, his dad didn't only go and get the milk. His mom did too.