The jokes

Space

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? - Because he needed some space.

Guy

What happens when you combine candy and dick? That creepy guy down the street!

Test

Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday.

Friend: What were the tests about?

Me: Japan.

Laundry

Why is Martin Luther King so bad at laundry?

He won't separate the whites from the colors...

Memes

Grasshopper

A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks confused and says, "Oh really? You have a drink named 'Bob'??"

Father

A father and three sons are renovating a house when a wall of that house collapses and breaks the father's back. Keeping calm, he tells the sons, "Well, I guess this is what you would call back-breaking labor." He chuckled, then passed out from pain.

Cannibal

A missionary was caught by cannibals. He was tied up and thrown into a big pot. The cannibals were chopping up vegetables and throwing them into the pot with the missionary. When they lit the fire under the pot, the missionary said, "You can't stew me. I'm a friar."

Rape

Why do so many people get charged with rape? Because they are too stupid to finish her off and bury the body.

Girlfriend

What is the difference between your girlfriend and your sister?

They're both "sweet home Alabama."

Family

The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.

Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."

Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"

Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."

Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

Patient

A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."

Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.

Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.

Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"

The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."

Asian

How do Asians name their kids?

They throw pots and pans down the stairs. (ching chong dong)

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  • Missionary

    A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"

    One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."

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  • Bar

    Three men walk into a bar... you would have thought the last one would have ducked.

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  • Avocado

    What do you call a fruit that argues against the position it supports?

    The Devil's advocado.

    Morgue

    "Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"

    "To the morgue."

    "But I'm not dead yet!"

    "But we're not there yet."

    Cliff

    Have you heard about the lemming that jumped off a cliff into an ocean?

    I heard it was because of pier pressure.