The jokes

Jesus

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

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  • Rape

    If you see a woman get raped, don't bother helping. After all, they are independent and need no man.

    Cheer on the rapist if you want.

    Jesus Christ

    You've probably heard this one before, but screw it.

    What's the difference between Jesus Christ and the kid I just killed?

    Jesus Christ probably died a virgin.

    Donald Trump

    What's the difference between Donald Trump and a dirty diaper?

    Answer: none, they're both self-absorbed and full of sh*t!

    Memes

    Sex

    Why is sex like math?

    You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.

    Girlfriend

    Me (an adult) with my girl going to a nice restaurant, I asked the waiter, "People under 12 eat free, right?" The waiter confirmed that yes, people under 12 eat free, then my girlfriend said, "But I'm 13."

    Car

    Robin: "The car's not working."

    Batman: "Did you check the battery?"

    Robin: "What's a tery?"

    Relish

    I'd like to relish the fact that you've mustered up the courage to ketchup to my level.

    Son

    I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his Christmas present. The ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it's a pair of mittens. The ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.

    Egg

    What did the egg say to the boiling water?

    It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.

    Michael Jackson

    In honor of Michael Jackson, Starbucks is introducing the 'Jackson Latte'. It's 50 year old coffee, with 8 year old cream. Get it while supplies last.

    Cancer

    "What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"

    "Cancer."

    Scientist

    Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one asks for a glass of H2O. The second one asks for a glass of H2O, too. The second one dies. Why?

    Cookie

    Why did little Timmy dip the cookie in water?

    "Because his dad never brought the milk."

    Forehead

    Your forehead's so big, when you were being born, the doctors thought you had no face.