The jokes

The last joke about the dad was a joke. Don't take it seriously. Can't believe that people actually think that was true.

Make sense of what I am saying, This is a LIE—and that's the TRUTH.

What am I?

Answer: a Riddle.

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

Waitress: You wanna box for your leftovers?

Me: No, but I'll arm wrestle you for the check.

A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"

What's a pirate's favorite key on the keyboard?

Others: R.

Rrrr, you would think so, but it be the C.

Son: Dad, I know I'm adopted.

Dad: Well, how do you know?

Son: I found the adoption papers.

Dad: That is for your mum.

If you know, you know.

Ever wondered why my gay kids don't play basketball? Because they can't shoot the ball straight into the hoop.

Sex is basically math. You add the bed. Subtract the clothes. Divide the legs to multiply inside.

Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.

I recently learned that it's politically incorrect to talk about taking part in a school shooting.

Apparently the term "school photos" is more acceptable.

I love all races, even the bad ones.

Why do orphans always have the newest iPhone?

Because it doesn’t have a home button.

Why do Chinese people hate Christmas? Because they make the toys.

What's the fastest thing on earth?

An Ethiopian with a McDonald's Voucher.

What kind of club is every parent afraid of their kid joining?

The Mikey Jackson club.

How do you spell the name of the most dangerous pedophile?

M-I-C-H-A-E-L J-O-S-E-P-H J-A-C-K-S-O-N

What's the same with shoes and slaves?

When they get loose, you tie them up.

A mirror and a beer bottle are arguing.

The beer bottle says: "If you break me, you get one year of bad luck."

The mirror scoffs: "Oh, that's nothing. You break me and you get 7 years of bad luck."

The condom overhears these arguments and walks off laughing.

Q: What do you call a group of transgender women?

A: The X-Men.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.