The jokes

What's a pirate's favorite key on the keyboard?

Others: R.

Rrrr, you would think so, but it be the C.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other side.

I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.

What did the blind man say as he passed the fish stand?

"Hello Ladies!"

He turns, he shoots!

And that is a horrible end to the Grand National...

I tore up my homework, but then I replaced it with this copy. It may look like it, but trust me, it's different! The answers ARE RIGHT, better than left!

A fat girl was dancing on the table, and I said, "Nice legs." She says, "You really think so?" And I say, "Yes, definitely, most tables would have been broken by now."

When the school shooter says, "Everybody get down!" and the autistic kid thinks it's Simon Says: 🙋‍♂️🙋‍♂️🙋‍♂️

Question: What happened to the depressed kid who tried to high five a tree?

Answer: He was left hanging.

What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

Big hands.

What do you call a bunch of sheep rolling down the hill?

A. A lamb slide.

My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.

Waitress: You wanna box for your leftovers?

Me: No, but I'll arm wrestle you for the check.

A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"

A Texan and an Alaskan walk into a room, and the Alaskan says, "My state is bigger." Then the Texan says, "It won't be when it melts."

What do you call the worst joke ever?

Well, according to my mom, I am.

So, I heard Bounty, the maker of paper towels, has decided to get into the Male Enhancement business...

...their new slogan?

The Quicker Pecker Upper.

So I went to the binoculars shop the other day. Tell you what, they saw me coming.

Roses are not always red, Violets are violet, not blue. Irises are never red, Petunias can be kinda blue.

What does this tell us 'cept you can't trust a poet to tell the truth.