The jokes

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

Why do nuns walk in groups?

So one “nun” can keep an eye on the other “nun” just to make sure that she isn’t getting "nun".

Trump says to Obama, "You know it’s the White House, not the black house, right?" And Obama says, "Yeah, but it isn’t the orange house either."

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

What's the best part of having sex on a golf course?

The hole experience.

What is the difference between a whore and an onion?

You don't cry when you chop a whore.

What’s the best part about having sex with twenty-six year olds?

There’s twenty of them.

What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To die.

What's the best thing about fucking twenty-one year olds?

That there's twenty of them hoo hoo hee hooo harr haar dee harr harr

I saw a robbery at the Apple store.

Am I an iWitness?

What does a blind man say when he passes the fish market?...."Hello ladies!"

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?

I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.

Why did the sea cry?

Because it felt salty and blue.

How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Just cut the rope.

Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, "I want h20." The other said, "I want h20, too." The second scientist died.

What was the one test Stephen Hawking couldn't pass? The beep test.

Why can't Chinese people play baseball? Because they ate the bat.

What did the cannibal do after eating all the vegetables?

Sold the wheelchairs on eBay.