The jokes

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing, unless you're at a funeral.

Yesterday, I saw a "woman's rights" book in the library, so I put it in the fiction section and got kicked out.

What's got 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet?

The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marrahwanah.

Jack got high, slapped her thigh, and then they had some fun.

Jill forgot to take her pills, and now they have a son.

Why do orphans always have water in their cereal? Because the dad never came back with the milk.

The world exploded, so now I need to visit Uranus.

The Arabian Sea is in which state?

Liquid.

Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, "I want h20." The other said, "I want h20, too." The second scientist died.

Why did the sea cry?

Because it felt salty and blue.

I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.

How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Just cut the rope.

My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."

What time is it when you walk into a wall? Time to get to bed!

What was the one test Stephen Hawking couldn't pass? The beep test.

I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.

Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.

It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.

A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

The man asks, "Ten what?"

Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".

What's black on top and white on the bottom?

rape.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

A black lady goes inside the drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Do you carry tampons?" Then the pharmacist asks the black lady, "Do you want the mini pads or the maxi pads?"

And then the black lady asks the pharmacist, "What is the difference?"

And then the pharmacist asks the black lady, "What is your flow like?"

And then the black lady tells the pharmacist, "Linoleum."