The jokes

Why do orphans have water with their cereal? Because their dad never came back with the milk.

What's the difference between an erection and Edward Holland? Nothing, they're both dicks.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

Hi, if you are suffering with depression and want to talk about it, please do so in the comments, and just know you are NOT alone.

There are plenty more fish in the sea is the last thing you should say to a necrophiliac.

What’s the difference between a Hispanic and a stoner?

A stoner has papers.

Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a big bill.

Why did the girls sit on the clock?

To be on time.

Stormtrooper: What should we do about the failed plan?

Palpatine: Screw it.

I dated a furry once.

The relationship didn't work out, she was a cheetah.

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

I only got one question wrong on my biology test yesterday.

The question was, "What is most commonly found in a cell?"

Apparently, "Black People" wasn't the right answer.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.

Slavery and discipline, it's kind of the same thing. You get whipped for doing the wrong thing.

Why does Batman’s mask only cover half of his face?

So the police can see that he’s white.

What’s the best part about having sex with a pregnant woman?

You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(People will then say "r")

Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"