The jokes

Yesterday, I saw a "woman's rights" book in the library, so I put it in the fiction section and got kicked out.

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing, unless you're at a funeral.

Titanic, doing the polar plunge before it was cool.

Have you heard about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.

Why did the orphan cross the road?

To finally get his milk.

What's the Pixar movie close to being a pornstar? Toy Story... *I got a friend in me*

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jack undressed, and she pulled up her dress so they could have some fun. But stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

Why can't an orphan be a YouTuber? Because most of the videos are family-friendly.

Why does China have the biggest eyewear?

Because all their eyes are too small.

What's got 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet?

The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

Why do orphans always have water in their cereal? Because the dad never came back with the milk.

Kid. What is an orphan's favorite breakfast?

Teacher. What?

Kid. Fruity pebbles with water.

Teacher. Why water?

Kid. Cause his dad never came back with the milk.

So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.

The world exploded, so now I need to visit Uranus.

The Arabian Sea is in which state?

Liquid.

I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.

What time is it when you walk into a wall? Time to get to bed!

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.

Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.

It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.

A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

The man asks, "Ten what?"

Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".