The jokes
I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
What is the best thing about being buried alive or burning to death?
No funeral costs.
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”
One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”
My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.
What do you call a communist pirate ship?
The USS Arrrrr.
My uncle died on September 11. He was the greatest pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.
Me running after slapping the emo kid's wrist and saying, "I like ya cut g."
Jack and Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick her candy. But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, 'cause Jill's real name was Randy.
How do you create the world's quickest human pyramid?
Turn on the gas chamber.
What's the difference between a Nazi and an onion? If you cut a Nazi, nobody is crying.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5
4 to turn the table, and 1 to hold the bulb.
I drew a picture of a whale in the ocean. My brother asked, "What are you drawing?" I said, "You taking a shower."
Q: Why did the two gate-builders start fighting?
A: Because they were fencing.
My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.
Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”
what was sally's role in a football game?
the football ;-;
What do chairs spend on the most?
Chair-ity.
Why is the USA so bad at chess?
Because they already lost two towers.
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
The little camel asks his mother: "Mum, why do we have these big humps?"
"Because in these humps there is some water, and in the hot desert we can drink."
"And Mum, why do we have this large fur?"
"Because the desert at night is so cold, and then we don’t feel cold."
"And Mum, why do we got these big hoofs?"
"Because the desert sand is hot, and the hoofs save us from the hot sand."
"But Mum, what the fuck are we doing here in the national zoo?"