The jokes

When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.

Hi, if you are suffering with depression and want to talk about it, please do so in the comments, and just know you are NOT alone.

There are plenty more fish in the sea is the last thing you should say to a necrophiliac.

Me: brags about my 30 kill streak.

The jury: O.o

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(People will then say "r")

Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

Guys, we shouldn't make jokes about 9/11. My dad was a victim.

He was the best pilot in Arab.

Why do nuns walk in groups?

So one “nun” can keep an eye on the other “nun” just to make sure that she isn’t getting "nun".

Trump says to Obama, "You know it’s the White House, not the black house, right?" And Obama says, "Yeah, but it isn’t the orange house either."

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

What's the best part of having sex on a golf course?

The hole experience.

What is the difference between a whore and an onion?

You don't cry when you chop a whore.

What’s the best part about having sex with twenty-six year olds?

There’s twenty of them.

I saw a robbery at the Apple store.

Am I an iWitness?

What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women.

What does a blind man say when he passes the fish market?...."Hello ladies!"

What’s the difference between a chromosome and a hormone?

You can hear a hormone.