The jokes

So, Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well, come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

What is the most common crime in China?

Identity fraud.

A farmer walks up to his farmer neighbor with a jug of milk. The farmer says, "I milked your cow." The neighbor replies, "I have a bull, not a cow."

I unfriended Paul Walker on Xbox because he was always on the dashboard.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it was stuck in a crack.

What's the difference between a pile of babies and a Porsche?

I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

There is a thin line between death and life!

You won't live to see it.....

The Cardiogram will!!

What's the difference between a black dad and a boomerang? A boomerang comes back.

If Donald Trump is running against Bill Clinton, it's safe to say that we are witnessing the Lolita Express Erections...oops, I mean Elections.

Sometimes, I think back on all the mistakes I've ever made.

Then I realize, "My daughter isn't THAT bad..."

I looked in the mirror yesterday. I still have nightmares...

What did the orphan say to his parents? Nothing, cause they left him.

My grandpa kept warning the people on the Titanic that the boat was going to sink. Result: he got kicked out of the movie theater.

What do you do when a person with epilepsy gets seizures in the bathtub? Throw in some laundry.

If I'm ugly, why do you always look at me when I come in the door?

Q: Who are the fastest readers? A: Twin Tower victims, they got 80 stories in ten seconds.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

I was making sandcastles with my Nan, then my mum came in the room and took away the urn.

What did the fat man say as he entered Nagasaki?

Nothing, he just exploded.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. A face like yours belongs in a zoo. Don't worry, I'll be there too. Not in the cage, but laughing at YOU!