The jokes

I unfriended Paul Walker on Xbox because he was always on the dashboard.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it was stuck in a crack.

What do you do when a person with epilepsy gets seizures in the bathtub? Throw in some laundry.

What did the orphan say to his parents? Nothing, cause they left him.

Q: Who are the fastest readers? A: Twin Tower victims, they got 80 stories in ten seconds.

I looked in the mirror yesterday. I still have nightmares...

If I'm ugly, why do you always look at me when I come in the door?

I was making sandcastles with my Nan, then my mum came in the room and took away the urn.

If Donald Trump is running against Bill Clinton, it's safe to say that we are witnessing the Lolita Express Erections...oops, I mean Elections.

There is a thin line between death and life!

You won't live to see it.....

The Cardiogram will!!

What's the difference between a pile of babies and a Porsche?

I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

Sometimes, I think back on all the mistakes I've ever made.

Then I realize, "My daughter isn't THAT bad..."

What's the difference between a black dad and a boomerang? A boomerang comes back.

My grandpa kept warning the people on the Titanic that the boat was going to sink. Result: he got kicked out of the movie theater.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

Why were the Twin Towers mad? Because they ordered pepperoni but instead they got... Plane.

The thing I don't like about shopping centers...

When you see one, you've seen a mall.

Who is the only person time waits for? Nun.

Why can't a blonde call 911?

She can't find the 11.

Did you hear about the deaf man who got a ticket?

It's OK, he didn't either!