The jokes

The thing I don't like about shopping centers...

When you see one, you've seen a mall.

Did you hear about the deaf man who got a ticket?

It's OK, he didn't either!

Why can't a blonde call 911?

She can't find the 11.

Why were the Twin Towers mad? Because they ordered pepperoni but instead they got... Plane.

Why did the orange go blind? Because he was low on vitamin C.

Who is the only person time waits for? Nun.

Broccoli says, "I look like a tree."

Walnut says, "I look like a brain."

Cashew says, "I look like a kidney."

Banana says, "Can we change the topic please?"

Knock, knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"

I told her my mum told me to go to hell.

Did you hear about the guy who got a tattoo of an octopus?

He got inked up.

A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.

what's the difference between an onion and a baby?

nobody cries when you cut up the baby.

Sex is like math.

Subtract the clothes, add the bed, divide the legs, and pray to God there is no multiplying.

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in 7 seconds. In case you didn't see that one coming, don't feel bad, they didn't either.

I was 11 or 12 at the time.

Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...

If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

So, a daughter goes to her dad and says, "Daddy, can I borrow the car?" He then tells her, "You know what to do." So then she proceeds to suck him off, almost immediately pulls out in disgust, and says, "Ugh, tastes like shit." Her dad then said, "Damn, I forgot your brother took the car."

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? "Wow, hairy!"

Q: When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?

A: Hiroshima, Japan 1946.

I never knew the kid at school had autism. I always just thought he was walking into cobwebs.

A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.

"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.

"Denise."

"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"

"Tom Junior."