The jokes
Why is the sea salty?
Because the land never waves back.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Two cows standing in a paddock, one says, "Moo." The other turns to him and says, "I was just going to say that!"
What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics?
Not being retarded.
I know you don't like me, and that implies you need better taste.
I'm not an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.
I'd give you a nasty look, but it seems like you've already got one.
Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.
You haven't changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.
Memes
What does one math book say to the other? -- "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems!"
An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away.
if you throw it hard enough.
What do you call a 3-sum with a girl with AIDS?
Nut in the butt.
I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.
Why does the Catholic Church have a glory hole inside the confessional booth?
So a priest can give an anonymous blowjob to another bisexual man, or a gay man, or a heterosexual man that has a big dick after the priest hears their confession.
What’s the difference between a prostitute and a Twinkie?
Nothing. They both squirt their white stuff when you eat it.
You wanna know who didn't kick the bucket? Stephen Hawking didn't; nor did he bite the dust.
Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?
Because he told the man to put his hands up.
What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? -- "Mumbai!"
What's worse than a dead baby?
A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? The one on the bottom is alive. And what's worst than that is, the baby has to eat its way out.
A child asks his teacher to go to the toilet.
"Before you go, recite the alphabet," the teacher says.
"a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z"
"Good, but where's the p?"
"Running down my leg."
Where was Moses when the lights went out? - In the dark!
How do you start a rave in Africa? Stick a pizza onto the ceiling.
Your mom is so ugly. When she goes to the dentist, they make her face down.
What’s the German word for BRA? Keep two from floppin'.