The jokes

What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics?

Not being retarded.

I know you don't like me, and that implies you need better taste.

I'm not an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.

I'd give you a nasty look, but it seems like you've already got one.

Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.

You haven't changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.

What does one math book say to the other? -- "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems!"

What do you call a 3-sum with a girl with AIDS?

Nut in the butt.

What do kids and drugs have in common? I sell both of them.

I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.

An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away.

if you throw it hard enough.

Why does the Catholic Church have a glory hole inside the confessional booth?

So a priest can give an anonymous blowjob to another bisexual man, or a gay man, or a heterosexual man that has a big dick after the priest hears their confession.

You wanna know who didn't kick the bucket? Stephen Hawking didn't; nor did he bite the dust.

You ever hear of a reverse exorcism?

It's where the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a Twinkie?

Nothing. They both squirt their white stuff when you eat it.

Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?

Because he told the man to put his hands up.

What's worse than a dead baby?

A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? The one on the bottom is alive. And what's worst than that is, the baby has to eat its way out.

A child asks his teacher to go to the toilet.

"Before you go, recite the alphabet," the teacher says.

"a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z"

"Good, but where's the p?"

"Running down my leg."

What happened when your parents dropped you off at the orphanage? They got sued for littering.

"the floor is lava!"

- everyone, Pompeii 79 A.D.

What do you call emos that live in the Bahamas?

Tropical depressions.

Yo, your hairline over here lookin' like the Nile River.

My dad still hasn’t come back with the milk. Now we are stuck eating dry cereal.

Everyone: So, wait, let me get this straight. Feminists want to cancel Father's Day because it is offensive to single mothers.

Feminists: Correct.

Everyone: Then what the f*** is the point of Mother's Day?