The jokes

A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.

After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.

After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?

Two gay guys, two lesbians, and two pedophiles have a race.

What is the order of finish?

1. Lesbians. Doing 69 the whole way.

2. Pedophiles. Coming in a little behind.

3. Gay guys. Still packing their shit.

A depressed kid went to go high five a tree.

But the tree left him hanging.

I pushed the kid in the wheelchair down the hill, but before I did, I set his wheels on fire and called him "hot wheels."

How did the man with no arms commit suicide?

We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.

What's the difference between my car and a school bus? A school bus takes them back home.

An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"

What is the difference between preschools and my basement?

Little kids come out of preschool.

A homeless man sits in front of a Home Depot. A man walking out of the store hands him some money and asks, "Why are you in front of the Home Depot?" And the man says, "Isn't it obvious? Hoping somebody accidentally drops the house they just bought."

I can explain Superman and Batman movies in one sentence.

Two orphans fighting in the rain.

Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?

Why did the Japanese NOT shoot down the American plane that was dropping atomic bombs?

From what their eyes saw, it was a piece of rice.

How does a cannibal start a wedding reception?

He toasts the groom.

Roses are red, your cities are gone, I am Thomas the thermonuclear bomb.

I love eating pussy. That’s why the animal shelter is always my go-to for a good meal.

I took an hour-long shower. The German officers were looking at me kinda scared.

What do you call a cleaning skeleton?

The Grim Sweeper.

Why did the hooker quit her job?

She had a nut allergy.

Yo mama so fat that she was born on the 3rd, 4th, and 5th of March.

What's the difference between intelligence and apathy?

I don't know! I don't care!