The jokes

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a guitar teacher? One likes to stroke his finger across A minor, and the other one plays guitar.

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

What does a lesbian bring on the second date?

A U-Haul.

If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.

The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!

Why do American guns only have 30 rounds in the clip? Because that’s the average class size.

I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.

"Where's the coloured printer?" he said.

"Mate, it's 2025, you can use any printer you want," I replied.

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.

Roses are red, potato chips are savory...

The United States prison system is legalized slavery.

Roses are red, your cities are gone, I am Thomas the thermonuclear bomb.

Why does the United States have such a good military? Because they learn to dodge bullets in school.

why are people in japan so slim? because the last time a fatman came, they lost half their population.

What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday?

Returning to the scene of the crime.

How do you verify a rape claim? You make it true, and then the person is a victim for sure.

A pedophile was holding a bag of chocolates and then approached a little girl at the park.

"Hey little girl! If you give me a teeny-tiny kissy-kiss on the tip of my wee-wee, I'll give you a piece of my chocolate!"

The little girl replies, "If I suck your whole cock, can I have the whole bag?"

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

What's the difference between you and a fridge? The fridge doesn't moan when I put my meat in.

What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.

So the other day, I was looking up zodiac sign stuff, you know, I'm a real big fan of that, and I come across this thing and it’s like all zodiac signs have their own hairstyles... except Cancer.

Why do gay men like the filling in Hostess Twinkies?

It reminds them of cum. 😋 😍 😏 😜