The jokes

Why does the United States have such a good military? Because they learn to dodge bullets in school.

The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away...

Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.... 🥵🤣

I was digging a hole in the garden until I found some coins! I was about to tell my mum when I remembered I was digging a hole in the garden.

Who was purple and wanted to rule the world?

Alexander the Grape.

When the school shooter pulls the fire alarm, and the autistic kid thinks it’s a rave party.

Teacher: Where were you born?

Student: The highway.

Teacher: What do you mean?

Student: I don't know, my mom says that's where all the accidents happen.

Everybody misses Xxxtentacion, but the bullet didn't...

Why did the astronaut return to Earth?

She went on her launch break! 🚀🥪😋

Your mama is so ugly that her birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom company.

What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.

What is the smartest month?

April - No one can fool it.

I am right 95 percent of the time, who cares about that other 5 percent?

Did you hear the joke about the butter?

What is it?

I can’t tell you, you’ll spread it.

Why did the lemon 🍋 go to the doctor 👩‍⚕️?

Because he had a sour stomach.

Kid: Mum, how do you know someone is drunk?

Mum: See the four birds over there?

Kid: Huh, wait a minute.

Mum: A drunk person would see eight.

Kid: Mum, but there is only two.

What’s the best time to commit suicide?

8 a’glock in the morning.

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.