The jokes

What does a lesbian bring on the second date?

A U-Haul.

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

A leaf and a depressed kid fall from a building. Which hits the ground first?

The leaf, the rope stops the depressed kid.

I got jealous of the zebras. Sorry, I’ll cut it out. I wanted to practice for my med school test.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Why did the slave go to college?

To get his master's degree.

Who was not happy that the Titanic sank? The fish under it.

Why did the feminist fail algebra?

She couldn’t solve inequalities.

A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

Why can't the orphan play baseball?

Because it doesn't know where home is... *sniff*

"I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying."

- Charlie Chaplin

My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.

Do you know what you first feel when you shoot someone?

The recoil.

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy. Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.

You're so ugly that everytime you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."

I would roast you, but the mirrors do when you look at them.

If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion. They would call it crucifact.