The jokes
What's the difference between your mom and a mosquito?
Answer: The mosquito stops sucking if you slap hard enough.
I was at my lecture at Oxford. Professor Albert Pessistein was leading the lecture, teaching us new equations. I asked where I can find a drink, due to my dying of thirst. He said, “big games my friend.”
He then proceeded to teach us, “The greater the Big games, the higher the Bottling!”
I was in my first space mission for NASA. As we were orbiting the asteroid belt, I saw a figure. I couldn’t tell who it was, but he spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. He said, “I’m looking for my freekicks and penalties, can you help me find them?” We then decided to aid him.
Q. What's the difference between people and a toilet?
A. Neither does R. Kelly.
Who is the most famous skeleton? Sherlock Bones.
Memes
What did the hecadrocophodecadus say to the hopetihopetifuckendecker?
"It didn't happen, but it should have."
In Home Alone, if the kid was an orphan, it would just be called "Alone."
Why do orphans play tennis?
It's the only way they get love.
Did you know that an orphan can take a selfie and a family photo at the same time?
Why did the chicken go to the restaurant?
To eat chicken!
What was Stephen Hawking's least favorite invention? The walkie-talkie.
Roses are red, I am very cool, You, on the other hand, Need to drown yourself in a pool.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
What’s up with the foot feet?
What is the plural of "goose"? "Geese."
What is the plural of moose? Well, it ant meese.
Well, it’s my first joke. Please forgive me if it’s bad.
The Queen: "I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm so old that my pussy is haunted!"
What did the walrus say when they lost the remote?
"Walrus the remote!"
Yo mama is so stupid, when she took a trip to Disneyland and a sign on the highway said “Disney left,” she went home.
What did the mouse say after its bath?
"I feel squeaky clean!"
Why did the tomato blush?
Answer: Because it saw the salad dressing.
You know how they said weight people can't jump? Check out the 9/11 videos.