The jokes
The first time I EVER HAD SEX I WAS ALL ALONE. You know why?
IT WAS DARK and I WAS ALL ALONE!
I got so bad about cutting myself every time I went to the bathroom, I wanted to break my jacket zipper off and use that!
What is the favorite drink of a vampire?
bloody mary.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One's a good year and one's a great year.
Stephen Hawking is the fastest footballer ever--he could just charge up the Left Wing!
Me: Hey, Mom? Why do we celebrate birthdays?
Mom: Because that's the day a new life was born, and people are born every day so every day is a special day.
My thoughts: And my friend wonders why I have depression...
A girl looked in the fridge. She got mad that somebody ate the last ice cream cone. She ran into her sister's room and said, "This is why you're fat!" Then fell down the stairs. Good thing she had that belly roll to save her.
What's the difference between your dad and the mailman? Nothing.
Your mumma so fat she takes up 4 seats of the sofa.
The bank said go to the river bank. Oh, oh, oh, good fishy joke!
How can you tell if a Polish woman is on the rag? One of her socks is missing!
What danger does this put them in? Toxic Sock Syndrome!
Q. What's the difference between my phone battery and an anti-vax kid?
A. Nothing, they both die at ten.
Why did the skeleton not go to the ball?
He had no-body to go with.
Why was the orphan able to avoid getting into trouble at school?
Because they couldnβt call his parents!
Kid: Dad, what happened to the kidnapper?
Dad: He had a nap.
Kid: Where is he now?
Dad: HELL!
My favorite instrument? The TromBONE, of course.
Whatβs the difference between Anne Frank and Harry Potter?
Only one came out of the chamber.
How do you get a blonde to drown?
Stick a mirror at the bottom of a pool.
How do butts start a conversation?
"Let's cut to the chase!"
Why do you never see gay people in wheelchairs?
You canβt be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.