The jokes
My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.
Me: But they're not that long.
Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.
Head teacher talking about recent vandalism during school assembly:
"And to those of you who wrote Mr. Smith's telephone number on the door of the girl's toilets, he would like to make it clear that the last digit is a 7 and not a 4."
What's the difference between a phone and a girl? You can turn it off whenever you want.
I’m old enough to remember innocent times when the worst headline was plane hijackers flying into buildings.
So, you wanna hear a joke about the wall?
... Actually, nah, you won't get over it.
Why do orphans go to the ancient pyramids for vacation?
In hope to find a mummy.
Decisions taken by world leaders often have great significance during a crisis.
The Americans, in particular, are suffering many losses during the current global pandemic. Remember, in the 1980's they had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope.
In 2020 they have Donald Trump, no Cash, and no Hope!
Yo mama is so stupid that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.
I will never forget my grandfather's last words: “The fuck you doing with that knife?”
What's the best thing about dead baby jokes?
They never get old.
The Twin Towers and genders have a lot in common. There used to be two, and now it's just a touchy subject.
It's not that I don't get the laugh, but most of you need to read through what's already been posted, 'cause everybody's saying the same sh*t.
Little Johnny walked into the bathroom while his dad was taking a dump. As soon as Little Johnny walked in, his dad let out a big FART! Little Johnny said, “WHAT WAS THAT?” His dad said, “That was the sound of the north wind.” The next day his teacher asked the class, “What’s the direction of the north wind?” Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, “TEACH IT’S MY DADDY’S BOOTY!”
Why was the cow afraid?
He was a cow herd.
This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.
Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."
A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school, and the teacher replies, "Are you that same person who took Jimmy?"
The man replies, "Yes," and the teacher says, "Take Susie too; she's being a little bitch."
Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.
I keep it in a jar on my desk.
Emo girls be like: How much am I worth...
Girl, scan the code on your wrist!
What is the one kind of work orphans don’t know? Homework.