The jokes

What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?

"May I push your stool in?"

There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."

Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."

Priest, "How so?"

Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."

Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"

Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."

Then Matt walks out the door.

Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"

Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."

So, you wanna hear a joke about the wall?

... Actually, nah, you won't get over it.

Why do orphans go to the ancient pyramids for vacation?

In hope to find a mummy.

My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.

Me: But they're not that long.

Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.

Head teacher talking about recent vandalism during school assembly:

"And to those of you who wrote Mr. Smith's telephone number on the door of the girl's toilets, he would like to make it clear that the last digit is a 7 and not a 4."

I’m old enough to remember innocent times when the worst headline was plane hijackers flying into buildings.

What's the difference between Paul Walker's car and a petite white girl?

There is no difference.

They both got split open by a huge log.

Yo mama is so stupid that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.

What's the best thing about dead baby jokes?

They never get old.

I will never forget my grandfather's last words: “The fuck you doing with that knife?”

The Twin Towers and genders have a lot in common. There used to be two, and now it's just a touchy subject.

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth-theist.

Little Johnny walked into the bathroom while his dad was taking a dump. As soon as Little Johnny walked in, his dad let out a big FART! Little Johnny said, “WHAT WAS THAT?” His dad said, “That was the sound of the north wind.” The next day his teacher asked the class, “What’s the direction of the north wind?” Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, “TEACH IT’S MY DADDY’S BOOTY!”

Why was the cow afraid?

He was a cow herd.

What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?

One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.

If you turn the word "racecar" backwards, it says "racecar".

But if you turn the racecar sideways, you have Paul Walker's blood on your hands.

This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.

Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."

Why did the pedophile cross the road?

To get to the other preschool.