The jokes

Why did the orphan go to church?

So he had someone to call a father.

What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles.

Daughter: Mommy?

Mom: Hey.

Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make Sour Patch Kids?

Mom: They don’t use kids to make Sour Patch Kids.

Daughter: Oh, that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...

Q: What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing?

A: A knife has a point.

[being buried alive]

Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?

What is the difference between an orphan and a criminal?

Criminals are wanted.

What is Obi-Wan Kenobi's greatest enemy?

The low ground.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "You know you wanna."

Jill said yes and lifted her dress so they could have some fun, but stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

Why did the orphan commit suicide?

So he could find home.

When someone tells me to kill myself,

Panic! At The Disco: Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time.

It has been rumored that Disney is developing a movie based on suicide. The title?

Finding Emo.

What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.

Lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place, but Chuck Norris does.

You meet the guy who invented 0, what do you tell him? Thanks for nothing!

What is the most musical part of a chicken?

The drumstick.

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth-theist.

I was going to tell a joke about emos in the sea, but it’s dead in the water.

Jesus created the T-pose first.

There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."

Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."

Priest, "How so?"

Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."

Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"

Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."

Then Matt walks out the door.

Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"

Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."

What's the number one pick up line at a gay bar?

"May I push your stool in?"