The jokes

Friend: Hey, did you catch that game last night? I did, it was so good! After that I went to Kane’s, because Kane's is amazing! What did you do this weekend? I did-

Me: Dude, are you the Terms and Conditions? Because I don’t give a fuck about what you say.

Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says, "Phew, it's hot in here." The other muffin says, "OMG, a talking muffin!"

A guy walks up to me and says, "I wonder if the hookman is real?"

I reply saying, "Yeah, it's Asa Hutchinson, lol."

Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?

Because there was no chemistry...

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

What is the best type of bath bomb?

A toaster.

My diet:

Make all of my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look...

I would tell you the pun about the broken pencil, but it has no point to it.

Does anybody know the similarities between a Rubik's cube and a penis?

I don't know the whole answer, but I do know that the more you play with it, the harder it gets.

There was once a boy who took a selfie, and the next day became an orphan.

Son: I heard mom got stung by a few bees this morning. Is she ok? Hospital?

Dad: She's ok now, no hospital.

Dad: She had to take the deep penis.

Son: Umm...... WHAT!?

Dad: I had to inject her with an EPIC PENIS.

Dad: Oh for god's sakes.

Dad: Epi Pen.

It's hard to predict the future,

especially before it happens.

Colder than the conversation between a fat guy and a Super Model...

When you're sitting by the mushrooms and you hear one say to the other "Hey, you're a fun guy."

Why did the one-eyed chicken cross the road?

To get to Birds Eye.

The History of the Star Spangled Banner. By Jose Cannusee.

What does the egg do after the pan told him a joke?

He cracked up!

What did the 5 say to the S?

"Nice shape."

I like my women like I like my wine: 12 years old, in the basement, and locked up.

Why couldn't the boy go see the pirate movie?

Because it was rated ARRRR.