The jokes

We really should erect a statue of the guy who killed Hitler.

I told kids to make a family tree. God, I love working at the orphanages.

Q: What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler?

A: One got to finish a race.

What was the favorite game in 2001? Flight simulator.

My grandpa may be a pedo, but at least he slows down in the school car park.

A man walked into a library. He asked the librarian, "Have you got a book on how to commit suicide?" The librarian replied, "No, you'd never bring it back!"

what is the fastest country? iran.

They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love.

I had to pay a hooker for twelve hours work.

... I felt nothing, but it was nice, being with someone who felt the same.

Why are there no Olympics in Mexico?

Because everyone from Mexico that can run, jump, and swim is already over the border.

What did the kid with leukemia watch last night? Finding Chemo.

I got raped by my therapist... now I know where the name comes from!

What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?

Honey, I'm home!

I got an orphan an iPhone 6. I told him to press the home button. He has been doing it all day.

What is a cow's favorite move? -- The sound of moooosic.

Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.

What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

They're both accidents.

The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"

The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"

"Yellow and far apart."

Why did Sally fall out of the swing?

She had no arms.

Why couldn’t she get up?

Because she had no friends.

Yo mama's so stupid she got locked in Mattress World and slept on the floor.