The jokes

The number 13? Not on my watch!

There was a murder. The detective suspected the artist first... because he was sketchy.

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.

The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

You want to hear a dirty joke?

This guy and this girl were having sex when the guy's boss called to ask why he wasn't at work. The guy responds, "I'm sick." His boss replies, "You don't sound sick." The guy says, "I'm fucking my sister" and hangs up the phone.

There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."

Necrophilia in Alabama is fun for the whole family, even grandma.

What do the initials ACLU stand for?

🤔

American Communist Lawyers Union.

What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor?

Dark humor is 10 babies in a trash can. Morbid humor is 1 baby in 10 trash cans.

Why are there no Olympics in Mexico?

Because everyone from Mexico that can run, jump, and swim is already over the border.

We really should erect a statue of the guy who killed Hitler.

I told kids to make a family tree. God, I love working at the orphanages.

What was the favorite game in 2001? Flight simulator.

A man walked into a library. He asked the librarian, "Have you got a book on how to commit suicide?" The librarian replied, "No, you'd never bring it back!"

They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love.

I had to pay a hooker for twelve hours work.

... I felt nothing, but it was nice, being with someone who felt the same.

what is the fastest country? iran.

What did the kid with leukemia watch last night? Finding Chemo.

What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?

Honey, I'm home!

I got an orphan an iPhone 6. I told him to press the home button. He has been doing it all day.

What is a cow's favorite move? -- The sound of moooosic.

Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."