The jokes
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why?
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Once I saw a mirror... and that was when I got the ability to become a ghost.
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles. Once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened too fast!"
Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.
Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-
Me: Lower lips.
Friend: I gotta go.
Memes
Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally.
What first went through Sally's head when the Nazis came? A bullet.
Where did Sally go when the bomb exploded? Everywhere.
What did Sally get for Christmas? A bike.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
Did you know the people in the twin towers were great readers?
Yeah, they went through 80 stories in seconds.
Why doesn’t the US want to play chess with the UK?
The US is already down 2 towers, and the UK has an unkillable queen.
Roses are red. He shows no remorse.
Santa Claus Has joined the terrorist force.
Why do orphans have water in their cereal?
Because their dad never came home with the milk.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a daredevil?
One has cunning stunts, whilst the other has a stunning...
What's the best part about a dead prostitute?
The second hour is free.
A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."
On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"
I'm dying to live forever!
If a fly loses its wings, is it now a walk? Wait a minute, I found out a mind blower. So the 🌎 is the 3rd planet from the sun, doesn't that mean all countries are called the 3rd country of 🌎? If I get 10 likes, I'll do one mind-blowing fact daily.
How do you stop a baby from crawling? Nail its hand to the floor.
Why were the twin towers sad?
Because they ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plane.
I was thinking about you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.