The jokes

Child: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodnight Grandma. Goodbye Grandpa!

Dad: Wait, why are you saying that?

Child: I just felt like it.

The next day, the Grandpa is dead.

Dad: That's just a VERY scary coincidence.

Child: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodbye Grandma.

Dad: Wait, why are you saying that?

Child: I just felt like it.

The next day, the Grandma is dead.

Dad: That's just a VERY scary coincidence.

Child: Goodnight Mommy, Goodbye Daddy!

Dad: Oh no. If I survive until tomorrow, everything will be okay!

Survives until tomorrow.

Dad: Whew! That was nice! *Goes to house*

Mom: Honey! I was so worried about you! The mailman just dropped dead on our porch!

(If you don't get it, the mailman is the biological father)

Where do you get milk from? The Milky Way, of course!

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."

Me, a Chinese woman, and her BFF walked into a bar. I asked the Chinese girl for her number. She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!” I said, “Wow!”

Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”

What did the roti say to pratha?

You white like a white bastard.

Two pedophiles are on a beach.

One says to the other, "Move over, you're in my sun!"

Have you heard the joke about the sheep, drum, and snake?

"Baa" "dumm" "tsss"

Did you hear about the restaurant they're putting on the moon?

Good food, but no atmosphere.

Who's never the last man standing?

Stephen Hawking.

The early bird might get the worm...

But the second mouse gets the cheese.

What if some kid was like, "I'm going to shoot up the school!", and then someone just pulls up with a reverse card?

Stephen Hawking has enough money to stand up, but can’t grab the money.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

Stephen Hawking lost connection to the WiFi.

What did the rape victim give to her rapist?

Head.

What did the kid say to the toilet?

"Did you order a number two because I got one ready for you?"

Did you hear about the new Pixar movie? It's about cancer patients. It's called "Finding Kemo."

Some guy was mad at his ex-wife! So he threw a bottle of alcohol into her house when he was drunk.

And realized when he was being questioned for arson, his cigarette was in the rim of the bottle.

What do you call the Christian version of Donald Trump? Holy shit!

Why was it wrong to throw my Chinese friend down the stairs?